My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
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That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
he’s doing your taxes
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
Vodka burrito was a success
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
im 7 sauces long
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.