My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
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My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
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If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling