My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
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Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
It do be feeling this way.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”