My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
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Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
Breaking news:
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear