@Q_the_Cat

My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”

I’m suddenly having trust issues.

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@daemonic3

Alex: A ship that has sunk

What is my relationship?

Alex: No sorry tha-

[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex

@10InchesPlus

Using Twitter for business is like buying ad space over a urinal.

@Bob_Janke

Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.

@TheRolo

If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.

@KentWGraham

My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.

@SCbchbum

i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.

@ericarhodes

and one last joke for the day. And I will be off driving back to Claremont for two shows. Have a beautiful day.

@LackOfShame

Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.

@OverlandParker

Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.