My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”

I’m suddenly having trust issues.

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Alex: A ship that has sunk

What is my relationship?

Alex: No sorry tha-

[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex


Using Twitter for business is like buying ad space over a urinal.


Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.


If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.


My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.


i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.


and one last joke for the day. And I will be off driving back to Claremont for two shows. Have a beautiful day.


Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.


Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.