My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
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Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.