@Anon_o_Mom

My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.

You Might Also Like

@hellohappy_time

This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.

@donni

My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.

@TheHyyyype

[locksmith finishes replacing my lock]

ME: so how do i know you won’t come in later and steal stuff?

LOCKSMITH: *looks around the inside of my house* i wouldn’t worry about it

@iwearaonesie

me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it

@JustMeTurtle

My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.

@SweetTweetsBRO

The worst feeling ever is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are alcohol.

@bourgeoisalien

My enemies are gonna be so sorry if I ever get out of this bean bag chair.

@MaraWilson

Day ??? of quarantine: referred to the oven as “the cookiemaker”

@opiaticus

I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.