My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.

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This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.


My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.


[locksmith finishes replacing my lock]

ME: so how do i know you won’t come in later and steal stuff?

LOCKSMITH: *looks around the inside of my house* i wouldn’t worry about it


me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it


My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.


The worst feeling ever is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are alcohol.


My enemies are gonna be so sorry if I ever get out of this bean bag chair.


Day ??? of quarantine: referred to the oven as “the cookiemaker”


I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.