This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
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My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
[locksmith finishes replacing my lock]
ME: so how do i know you won’t come in later and steal stuff?
LOCKSMITH: *looks around the inside of my house* i wouldn’t worry about it
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
The worst feeling ever is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are alcohol.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
My enemies are gonna be so sorry if I ever get out of this bean bag chair.
Day ??? of quarantine: referred to the oven as “the cookiemaker”
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.