@YourMomsucksTho

My husband always knows I got my period by how I wear white dresses and twirl in fields, then swing for hours and hours while laughing.

My husband always knows I got my period by how I wear white dresses and twirl in fields, then swing for hours and hours while laughing.

- @YourMomsucksTho

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@lisaxy424

When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.

@AddledPixie

“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.

@AristotlesNZ

Old Testament: Death, plagues, vengeance

New Testament: Forgiveness, love, wants you to call home

Having a kid really mellowed God out.

@Doug_Exeter

*my wife walks in on me struggling with an optical illusion* its not what it looks like

@zachreinert03

What i do in my bedroom is my business, what I do in your bedroom ok I guess that’s your business

@HavocMantis

*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin

@UncleDuke1969

When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…

“What would Jesus do?”

Then, I remember how things turned out for him…

And, flip a coin.

@MafiaJoker78

Hey mate! Your girl looks like a horse…

Are you in a stable relationship?

@chriscr10571

The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”