My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
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Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side