NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
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[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
If you had more money you’d be happier.
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
Ok, but like, how married are you?
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.