@GirlNeedsJesus

My husband and I are fighting. There’s about a 50 50 chance he knows.

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@Mikecanrant

When I take pictures of cheese I yell “SAY HUMANS!” and me and the cheese laugh and laugh and then I binge eat and cry.

@AlfKilledMyCat

Learning spanish is bloody hard. I wish the english had conquered more of the world, I’m suffering from their laziness

@KentWGraham

Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.

@Sychlops

Pretty sure Zinedine Zidane never forgave his parents for all the waiting he had to do for his attendance call in school.

@DrakeGatsby

There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.

@jaycaspiankang

when we are all singing quarantine songs with our neighbors in 6 weeks or so, please remember good karaoke etiquette. No songs over 3.5 minutes, fully commit and don’t do the “haha I’m so bad” thing, and please avoid “total eclipse of the heart”

@zachreinert03

Any dance can be a no pants dance. In fact, might be a fun way to bring back the Macarena