@GirlNeedsJesus

My husband and I are fighting. There’s about a 50 50 chance he knows.

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@iliezabeth

ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?

GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.

@CornOnTheGoblin

[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?

@dugglebutt

If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, holy shit you have a talking duck put that shit on TV

@Bob_Janke

People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.

@IamEveryDayPpl

In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…

They’ll be SO surprised!

@gianni_bcn

I think I pulled a muscle paying my registration fee at the gym

@sip_at_home_mom

I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.

@alexblagg

Things the GOP has battled this week:

1. Ethics
2. Intelligence

@Roy_oh_Roy

ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them

MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long

ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them

@brendohare

Hello. I’m the guy who sleepeats thousands of spiders every year and screws up the average for everyone. Sorry for scaring you.