ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
My husband and I are fighting. There’s about a 50 50 chance he knows.
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[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, holy shit you have a talking duck put that shit on TV
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
I think I pulled a muscle paying my registration fee at the gym
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
Things the GOP has battled this week:
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
Hello. I’m the guy who sleepeats thousands of spiders every year and screws up the average for everyone. Sorry for scaring you.