She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
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Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
Siri: Retweet me.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)