My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.

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It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.


[My band playing on stage]

New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?

New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died


My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.


I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.


So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.


You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.


Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.


A baby’s laughter is one of the most beautiful sounds you will ever hear. Unless it’s 3am. And you’re home alone. And you don’t have a baby


My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.