@HousewifeOfHell

My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.

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@Book_Krazy

It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.

@MarfSalvador

[My band playing on stage]

New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?

New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died

@amishschool

My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.

@ambamthankyamam

I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.

@Contwixt

So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.

@noog

You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.

@HomeProbably

Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.

@thinkcomedy

A baby’s laughter is one of the most beautiful sounds you will ever hear. Unless it’s 3am. And you’re home alone. And you don’t have a baby

@4SLars

My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.