My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
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[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.