My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
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Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
Solving a traffic jam
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
*performs CPR on the turkey*
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*