My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
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I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
Okay
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye