My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
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My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby