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Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars