My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
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“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
Pretty much. 🤣
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.