My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
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[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know