My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
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My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
getting old is fun