@Darlainky

My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.

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@DomesticGoddss

This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.

@michaelianblack

Ugh: I hid three dozen raw eggs in the house last night after taking Ambien and now I can’t find them.

@SaddestFinger

how to fall down a long set of stairs:

step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26

@13spencer

[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*

@MelvinofYork

What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision

@Playing_Dad

[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*

@UncleDuke1969

“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.

“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”

@FrigginFrench

Nurse: How would you rate your pain?
Me: Zero stars
Nurse: No, on a scale of 1-10?
Me: Do not recommend.

@_elvishpresley_

him: hi, I’m Tom

me: nice to meet you uhh…

my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago

me: m…mom