My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
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[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
My safe word is Worcestershire
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
He a real one for that
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”