My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
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6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.