My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
You Might Also Like
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.