@NeverEnd88

My husband and I have been practicing Social Distancing for 11 years now…..we got this.

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@_definitlymaybe

If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!

@jwoodham

KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.

@ValeeGrrl

4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …

6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …

Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?

@AndyAsAdjective

me: do you know what sarcasm is?

daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father

me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…

@80sjams

The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.

@mo_HoC7

I’ve read this at least 5 times and still don’t have a clue what’s going on 😂😭😭

@kaz474

Sitting out in my front yard pointing a hair dryer at speeding cars to see if any slow down.

@yonewt

Then: I love to hear the sound of your voice

Now: ASK ME ONE MORE TIME IF I TURNED OFF THE GRILL I SWEAR TO GOD

@envydatropic

Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?