Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
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Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
Natty or not?
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!