@NeverEnd88
@_definitlymaybe
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
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@_definitlymaybe
@jwoodham
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
@ValeeGrrl
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
@Badass_Trucker
Her: You’ll miss me when I’m gone!
Me: Bet
@AndyAsAdjective
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
@80sjams
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
@mo_HoC7
I’ve read this at least 5 times and still don’t have a clue what’s going on 😂😭😭
@kaz474
Sitting out in my front yard pointing a hair dryer at speeding cars to see if any slow down.
@yonewt
Then: I love to hear the sound of your voice
Now: ASK ME ONE MORE TIME IF I TURNED OFF THE GRILL I SWEAR TO GOD
@envydatropic
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?