@emoelwoods
My ex used to send me unsolicited nudes all the time. But now my new boyfriend always ask my dad for permission before he sends them, and he sends them to my mom too. Ladies, do not settle, your time will come and you will find the right man
@psybermonkey
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
@SCbchbum
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
@Mr_Kapowski
[farmers market]
Vendor: Would you like to try some almond milk?
Me: Oh. Is this milk made with cage-free almonds?
Vendor: Huh? Uh I guess so
Me: *leans in close* If I find out-
Wife: Ok I get it. You hate being brought here. Stop embarrassing me
@captainkalvis
WIFE: the kitchen is burning to the ground! we have to call the fire marshall!
ME [to the fire]: MARSHALL! STOP BURNING MY KITCHEN
@MrAndrewCotter
I was bored.
@ehdannyboy
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
@NicestHippo
“Oh my god, it’s a genie!”
GENIE: Please, we prefer magic-american
@ArfMeasures
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
@lisaxy424
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
@NeverEnd88