My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
You Might Also Like
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
My ideal weight is five million dollars
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.