My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
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I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.