My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
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My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
they split up moments later
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.