My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
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Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
This a good idea
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.