@WorstCassie

My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.

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@josh___grant

Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?

@Book_Krazy

I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”

@FuckabillyRex

Gave a lady on the bus my seat and then sang Coldplay’s Yellow to her and it was so emotional she had to get off at the next stop.
?

@Dorkstress

Cop: Ma’am, what’s in the bottle?

Me: Just some water.

Cop: Ma’am that’s wine…

Me: Jesus did it again!!

@UncleDuke1969

“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.

@WakeVII

1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Tell them your name is Waldo
4) Leave

@iya_lucy

My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5

@AmericanGent69

[Traffic stop]

Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!

@McNevich

Actions speak louder than words, unless those words are spoken by a drunken woman

@JB4Realz

Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.

They have a budget of $430,000…