If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
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The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
Google assistant rules
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad