My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
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My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
Forever 21… pounds overweight
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
Oh the world we live in…
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!