My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
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Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.