My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
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ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
Jesus steals the winter solstice
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.