My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
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Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
(Gaming support cat.)
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
Breaking news:
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.