My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
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“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”