Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
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i will avenge u mr van gogh
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.