My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
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Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
Me: 馃檪
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 馃槓
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 馃え
Facial recognition: no
Me: 馃槖
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 馃ゴ
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn鈥檛 decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I鈥檒l never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
9: Don鈥檛 break anyone鈥檚 heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 馃敟馃敟馃敟馃敟
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?