@junejuly12

My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.

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@GrantTanaka

a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy

@pixelatedboat

I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit

@TheMichaelRock

Kanye West compared his relationship with Kim Kardashian to Romeo and Juliet. So we won’t have to deal with them too much longer, you guys.

@citizenkawala

Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.

@PaperWash

“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”

*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*

“Omg!”

Narrator: The power of Febreeze

@ClichedOut

They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.

Poor guy.

@rolldiggity

“Hey, man, just called to see when you’re going to commercial. Now? Ok, us too.” -Radio Stations

@UncleDuke1969

[Home Depot]

Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?