My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
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9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
WWE is French for “yes”
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.