My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing

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“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus


I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.


me: h—

bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in


Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.


Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.


Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy


ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit

SON: it’s called homework


[guy behind me observes my groceries]

– frozen meals
– fruits
– vegetables
– small carton of eggs
– half carton of milk

Guy: you must be single

Me: haha, how did you know?

Guy: you’re ugly.


Rappers are terrible with pets: the Baja Men let their dogs out, DMX never knows where his dogs are at, and Pitbull is awful.