My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
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TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
He wanted to make sure😂
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?