Yes I’ll watch your kid,but if you don’t pick her up on time, I’m telling her there’s no Santa Claus.
My husband asked me if I thought deep down that all of this time together was bringing us closer as a family. And then we laughed and laughed.
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Fine, you drive. I won’t tell you how. I’ll just yell WE’RE GONNA DIE WE’RE GONNA DIE! I’M GONNA THROW UP AND WE’RE GONNA DIE til we arrive.
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
listen…valentines day is a scam invented by scorpios so people would have sex and make more scorpios
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver