@Divergentmama

My husband asked me if I thought deep down that all of this time together was bringing us closer as a family. And then we laughed and laughed.

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@divyne_mess

Yes I’ll watch your kid,but if you don’t pick her up on time, I’m telling her there’s no Santa Claus.

@lilgapeach30

Fine, you drive. I won’t tell you how. I’ll just yell WE’RE GONNA DIE WE’RE GONNA DIE! I’M GONNA THROW UP AND WE’RE GONNA DIE til we arrive.

@Jandalize

I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.

@billnihilism

listen…valentines day is a scam invented by scorpios so people would have sex and make more scorpios

@longwall26

Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.

@Birdhumms

Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?

@Cryptoterra

The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.

@FoxyWinePocket

Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…

@Spaziotwat

My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.

@AbbieEvansXO

Me: it’s about the journey not the destination

Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver