Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
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Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
I want what they have
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
They got a point!
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!