My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
You Might Also Like
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]