My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
You Might Also Like
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’