My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.

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BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.

FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.


5: im so bored

me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen

5: im not very bored though


It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…


When a pterodactyl urinates, no one hears it. (silent P)


I’m sitting in my car eating mini eggs and crying and the dude who just pulled up next to me looked in my car and then decided to park somewhere else


BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive


The girl next to me is texting her friend about how there’s an annoying guy looking at her phone, lemme show her which emojis to use.


My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.


My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something


[8 AM]

Me: Time to wake up.


Me: Time to go to bed.

Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.