My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
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Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
When I see a couple fighting I like to walk up to the one who’s more pissed off and whisper “We can make it look like a suicide” and wink
Hey parents with teenagers, the bottle of vodka in your liquor cabinet is water.
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week