My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.

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My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.


Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.

*correctly programs VCR*


When I see a couple fighting I like to walk up to the one who’s more pissed off and whisper “We can make it look like a suicide” and wink


Hey parents with teenagers, the bottle of vodka in your liquor cabinet is water.


[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*


SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer


*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*



My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]

Also my demon: there will be cookies

Me: say no more!


ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do


KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week