My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
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Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
when u come home smelling like another dog
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
time for some seasonal decor
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.