@zwina_summer

My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.

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@MaryJustice86

My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.

@cravin4

Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.

*correctly programs VCR*

@RobElliottComic

When I see a couple fighting I like to walk up to the one who’s more pissed off and whisper “We can make it look like a suicide” and wink

@YUCKYBOT

Hey parents with teenagers, the bottle of vodka in your liquor cabinet is water.

@Playing_Dad

[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*

@Holy_Mowgli

SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer

@2tickytacky

*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*

@solsayswhaaa

[3am]

My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]

Also my demon: there will be cookies

Me: say no more!

@ArfMeasures

ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do

@batkaren

KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week