@zwina_summer

My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.

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@emmatheist

Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?

@FU_TangClan

To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere

@PleaseBeGneiss

Priest: do you take this woman

Me: I do

[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]

Me: -not

@IamEnidColeslaw

Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.

@bornmiserable

[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you

@sug_knight

Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that

@KeetPotato

*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*

@Terdoh

The Snooze Button: because your first act of the day should be procrastination.

@aligarchy

*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW

*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER