My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
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wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
Whoa 😂
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
concern
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
How times have changed.
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE