My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
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I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
yes yes a thousand times yes!
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes