@Naggalie

My husband asks too many questions. “Who is Steve?” “Why does he call all the time?” “What’s this bill for a hotel room?”

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@BlairLoudly

*dresses like a kitty*

*climbs tree*

*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*

@jswilliams1962

Dear Prudence,

We missed out flight when the TSA discovered my musket hidden in my carry on bag.

Also, I couldn’t get my cell phone to charge because electricity hasn’t been invented yet.

#RevolutionaryWarAirports

@ourvoyagemusic

I wonder why the ingredients on a snickers wrapper says “May contain almonds.” What, is the guy who drops in the almonds a slacker?

@TwinSurvivalist

The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.

@BunAndLeggings

My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.

@cwilso

My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.

@TheSharona06

For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.

@noog

If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore

@iGreenMonk

*Neighbor text – Sorry for using your wife. Use only when you’re not at home*

*Shoots Wife*

*Neighbor text again – I mean ‘Wifi’ not wife*