@Naggalie

My husband asks too many questions. “Who is Steve?” “Why does he call all the time?” “What’s this bill for a hotel room?”

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@dshack8

Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.

@NotthatAdamWest

April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.

@nbadag

WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look

@CruisinSoozan

I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.

@therepoguy

Moves shopping cart to allow car to park

Lady doesn’t even say thanks

Puts cart back behind her car

Leaves.

@bananainches

Guys, I just got myself a new liquor cabinet!

The salesperson keeps calling it a 3 bedroom house for some reason. but its a liquor cabinet.

@BoogTweets

If you were a plant which one would you be? I’d be nuclear power