My husband asks too many questions. “Who is Steve?” “Why does he call all the time?” “What’s this bill for a hotel room?”

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people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description


Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”


Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.


Her: Why did you cancel your gym membership?

Me: There were some changes in the vending machines that I didn’t agree with


Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?

Me: *revving chainsaw*

Therapist: No.


Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.


dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything


What if cats are born with names & the fact that we call them names that aren’t those names is the reason they act irrationally towards us?


“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”

Google: “No. That’s stupid.”