duck: …quistal meth?
My husband asks too many questions. “Who is Steve?” “Why does he call all the time?” “What’s this bill for a hotel room?”
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*dresses like a kitty*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
We missed out flight when the TSA discovered my musket hidden in my carry on bag.
Also, I couldn’t get my cell phone to charge because electricity hasn’t been invented yet.
I wonder why the ingredients on a snickers wrapper says “May contain almonds.” What, is the guy who drops in the almonds a slacker?
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
*Neighbor text – Sorry for using your wife. Use only when you’re not at home*
*Neighbor text again – I mean ‘Wifi’ not wife*