Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
My husband asks too many questions. “Who is Steve?” “Why does he call all the time?” “What’s this bill for a hotel room?”
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April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Guys, I just got myself a new liquor cabinet!
The salesperson keeps calling it a 3 bedroom house for some reason. but its a liquor cabinet.
If you were a plant which one would you be? I’d be nuclear power