My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
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IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
[the middle of showering] I need a break
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
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My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
This is I, Robot all over again
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”