My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
You Might Also Like
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
WHO DID THIS?
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”