My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
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millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
kitchen magnet
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.