My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
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person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
Milk Cube
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…