My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
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your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?