My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
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Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
Seek kebab; not attention
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.